In the words of a nobody

wayEniyie: to restore

2009-07-06T17:03:00.000-07:00

Less than two months ago I was on vacation laying at the pool. I started thinking aloud accidentally and said, "I'm so tired of talking about doing good and justice- and never actually doing anything." I went on a little tangent... "Just like I talk about having an active lifestyle all the time. I sit on my butt and watch T.V. like the average lazy American most of the time. I'm just over it!" Ross was there and replied, "Then do something!" I continued on my tangent like I didn't hear him, "Do you know what my kids in Africa would have done for a soccerball!?!? A new pair of shoes? A PLAYGROUND? And here I am with everything I could ever want at my fingertips doing nothing." Ross repeated himself, "Then do something! Send them balls or shoes or something." This comment immediately started my project.

My team of 11 other students and myself keep a running message including everyone on facebook. We send anything and everything and keep in touch. So, I sent my idea to the team, or what we call our Ghanaian family. Everyone loved the idea of raising money and sending over needed items and money to buy items with the next team Lee University sends over in January of 2010. We began brainstorming and Todd Stevinson came up with the name that we all agreed the project should be called, wayEniyie. This is the word meaning, "to restore" in the tribal language of the village we taught in-- Winneba, Ghana. So, I am writing this blog to spread the news.

wayEniyie: to restore is a project that promotes the active lifestyle. There is no other style to life in Africa- as the hundreds of children in Ghana opened our eyes to, this past January-March. Our main goal is to challenge the status quo, routine American way and protest laziness while simultaneously giving children in Africa a safer and more priveleged way to live and play every day. Fundraising will start as soon as we complete a design for the name and logo.

We are hoping to do several fundraisers through 5k's, half-marathons, and marathons... but we also are counting on schools significantly. If a sporting team, club, or even class from any school is willing to sponsor a fundraiser for our project we will split the proceeds 50%/50%, meaning the team makes money for their yearly costs and they give to sporting teams in a third world country at the same time! It's a great deal and a great cause!

If you are interested in contributing, sponsoring a fundraiser, or even speading the word to friends and family please let me know. I will gladly provide you with more information and a copy/attachment of the name and logo design to help out! Last but certainly not least, please pray that this project is a success and we can provide more than we hope to these children. They are the most precious and joyful people I know.

Standing in the face of questions

2009-06-20T07:21:00.000-07:00

There are two elements to blogging that I love. The first is the element of transparency. Anyone in the world could read this and be open to the world that I pour onto the keys of my laptop in my room alone. The other element is that no one could ever see it. I have the privilege of being one of those non-famous people that don't have 6,000 followers. :) So with this said, here is what is on my heart today.

What if? What if I would have made different choices? What if I was in a different place today? The funny thing about these questions is I am completely at peace today. I have no question that God has me here for a reason and that he is leading me along the narrow path etched out by his hand. Sometimes I just wonder. Have I always followed God's will and what he put on and inside my heart? Am I a recovery of mistakes that God has miraculously formed into something pleasing in his site? Am I pleasing in his site? I go through these days where I ask myself all kinds of questions.

Today I applied for a job with the World Affairs Council in Northern California. I asked myself. Am I even slightly qualified? I saw a picture of my dear friends on their wedding day last weekend. I asked myself. Am I ever going to get married? Will it be to him? If so, how long will I wait? I am living at home and I am thankful for my parents who provide a free place to stay until I'm on my feet. Yet again, I ask myself. Will my dad ever stop drinking? Will my mom ever leave him?

Today I am still, I am quiet. I know that he is God. I am listening for his voice. I don't have the answers. I stand in peace at the face of questions. This is what is inside my heart today.

The beginning of a great story

2009-06-19T06:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Ross and I got in the car and headed to blockbuster. It had been a terrible day for both of us and the most appropriate thing to do in our minds was veg out. As we sat in the car silently reflecting on our individual lives, Ross looked at me and said, "This is how all great stories start."

So, as we agreed-- this is how our epic story is beginning. I graduated from College a month and a half ago. Three days later, I had major surgery... having my right ovary removed due to a tumor the size of a soccer ball. Ross completed his year long internship with Catalyst and a few days later began searching for a job. Although I was not supposed to work for 6 weeks, I decided I was fine after 3 and took a job with EMS/AT&T as a sales representative. I was hired on the spot in my first interview. I should have known there was a catch then. Anyways... I completed my 4 days of training and started selling U-verse TV and Internet... door to door. Meanwhile, Ross continued his search for a job. Each day I added to my employment history with the company the more I learned. I learned that my hours were ridiculous, M-Sat 10:30AM-9PM. I also learned that being in the scorching sun in dress clothes all day left me glazed over and in zombie mode for the 30 minutes to an hour that I could stay awake once I got home. Although in different situations Ross and I both were becoming more drained and miserable by the moment.

Yesterday was the 2 week mark at my job and I basically quit without telling anyone. I was placed in ANOTHER apartment complex and after knocking on 5 doors broke down crying, got in my car, and drove away. Ross still in search of a job... we sat in the car at the light on the way to blockbuster. It started to rain. The AC broken, it got harder to breathe. Ross realized that after his side mirror fell off the previous week, he had forgotten to tape the open wire. And that's where we started laughing. This has got to be the beginning of something great.

"Life is not waiting for the storm to pass, it's learning to dance in the rain."

Reflect

2009-04-03T21:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I look around at my surroundings, I reflect on what is inside of my heart, and I think about what being a Christian is 'supposed to be' all about... and nothing lines up. Am I crazy because what is around me and inside of me is not what I am "supposed to be"? Is there something in my surrounding that is negatively affecting what I am inside? Does what is in the inside hinder my ability to be this thing called a Christian?

Reflecting is one of those things that is simple yet profound... making it complex... that the average person doesn't think about. While in Africa, one of the professors that took my team over, Charles, shared a short heartfelt opinion on reflection. It has changed my perspective... on more than just reflection. You see, when you reflect- you stop and think about your experiences, what you have learned, gained, lost... and you learn more. It really affects how you remember and how you live from that point on. Try it.

Tonight, I am reflecting on an article that my boyfriend wrote. He e-mailed it to me and asked me to edit/look over it before he put the finishing touches on it. It was about adventure, exploring, and taking a risk. He wrote of the many dreams he had intricately constructed in his heart and mind over his lifetime. He wrote about the excitement of dreams now truly being a possible reality. He wrote about fear. As I lay on the couch of one of my closest friends, my processing mind keeps me awake. The leader of my most valuable relationship has finally reached the starting line and he knows that he is capable- but he's scared to let the sound of the gun shot echo in his ears because then there is a chance of failure. Even though he has got a backbone of support relationally and in his heart of hearts he knows he is capable... thrusting into sprint after such extensive planning and training is nothing short of terrifying. "What if I trip and waste all of the heart and time I have put into this?" "What if I let someone down?" "What if... what if... what if???"

Although I have a competent understanding of the heart of my partner and I sympathize with the tension in his soul- I cannot exactly relate. In fact, as I reflect on the day, the week, and his article... I wonder, "Is something wrong with me?" Like I said in the beginning, when I evaluate it all- nothing quite aligns. The world speaks to me. It tells me what should be funny, fun, entertaining. It tells me what I need... what I don't need which somehow always turns into something else that I need. Confused? Look around you. What does your environment say? What do the people you trust communicate to you? What does your house/apartment, car, clothes, food, cell phone, friends, music, and technology say? Do you listen? Do they say the same things God says about love, service, worship, peace, joy, hope?

Mine don't.

I don't always laugh when the people around me do. Now, honestly this most likely stems from the fact that I am in my own little world and it takes me 30 seconds to a minute longer than everyone else to extract myself from my thinking and register what has just happened. But maybe... just maybe it's not really funny. Maybe I don't relate to the fear in the love of my life's eyes when we speak of dreams and aspirations because there may be a chance I don't have enough fear... if any. The common day, you know- regular Joe shmoe, lifestyle is not what is inside of me OR what I am "supposed to be". I don't wonder if I'm gonna get that job or if the money will be provided for us to travel to that country. I have complete confidence that my escape is someone else's rescue. So rather than fearing the risk, I crave it. Reflect on yourself. Become aware of your surroundings and the continuous communication that mainstreams your heart and mind. Remember that you have the power to choose what you are "supposed to be". I have to remind myself of this, because although your surroundings and lifestyle may define and describe you- you have the choice of what and who you will be. Fear is not the problem. Resistance always keeps a number held back. The real issue is that success and safety feel good- but they are dangerous because often they keep us from the failure that changes our lives and the risk that gets us where we are "supposed to be".

We could have something in common.
Your escape could be someone else's rescue.
Reflect.

Confessions of a believer

2009-03-26T18:03:00.000-07:00

So, it's been a while. I've been back from Africa for 3 weeks this Saturday. I've been having a lot of thoughts and feelings lately... I know this is usually the start to a really bad conversation (especially coming from a girl) but it's really not like it sounds. I want to share my heart with whoever will listen- so if you've got the time, indulge.

Sometimes I have break downs. I get angry, I cry, I get quiet, I yell, I can't control the emotion spilling over inside of me from the conviction of my life style. It's as if I'm in a coma half of the time and every once in a while I wake up and I'm scared. "Have I already forgotten?" "Why can't I see their faces anymore?" It's been three weeks and all too often I find myself in my comfortable clothes, in my comfortable car, driving home from my comfortable teaching, to my comfortable home. Why is it that in these sudden moments that comfortable is uncomfortable? It's in fact rather painful. My heart pains me. My soul hungers to be...

And that's just it. I miss being the Christian that I was in Africa. I miss the raw, transparent beauty of Christs love. My life in America is so full of 'things'. Full of unneeded selfish things that make me comfortable. How do I break free? I want so bad to sing and dance in the streets the way I did in Ghana with the children. I want to take long walks and stand speechless in awe of God every day. I want to strip away all the shit that blurs God's truth. Our lives have become pollution that are smog over what Christianity is supposed to be. I struggle. Some days, I push it to the back of my mind because I don't know how to face it. Others I sit and cry, I think and reflect, write-read-and-pray. Where is the happy medium?

All the fluff, the religion, the food, the money, the expectations- I want to flip the switch and hear it grind bit by bit until it disintegrates into nothing. I don't want to complain and be another griping unhappy 'faith-filled' American who has everything... yet, I don't want to keep quiet. It is eating me alive. How do I live with this disease?

My crazy class!

2009-02-12T06:33:00.000-08:00

School has gotten better and better. The girls are starting to understand what I expect from them ... as well as just understand me better in general. I've realized that the thing that is going to stay with these children is not the material I am teaching them. It is the love, time, and encouragement that I give them that will remain a part of their lives. So, regardless how difficult classroom management and discipline gets- I just try and remind myself.... LOVE's the only way.

Friday with Benedicta

2009-02-12T05:12:00.000-08:00

Friday's are always the best at school here. We have worship the first hour of the day and P.E. and Games the last hour. So... from start to finish it's a ton of fun. This past Friday, Sarah and I were extremely excited because we had planned to take Benedicta back to the lodge for lunch and to the beach.

As the day came to an end we asked Benedicta if she wanted to walk or take a taxi to our house. We normally walk to and from school each day. It's a fantastic experience. The children yell and wave, some run up to you and hug you. You feel like a million bucks soaked in sweat. There's nothing better really. haha.... anyways, I'm getting off subject. Benedicta wanted to take a taxi. She was tearing up a little bit from hunger pains and it was extremely hot. So we caught a taxi and headed to the lodge. When I was a little girl, my Mema would always take me out on the most unexpected occasions. She would let me eat where ever I wanted and would take me shopping for new clothes. I remember feeling like a princess. But- on this particular day- I got to see what it felt like to make the little girl feel like a princess. I never knew it could feel so good.

Benedicta ordered chicken and rice. She only ate a little bit and took the rest to her family. We showed her our room at the lodge and she was blown away. Her eyes were big and she just kept asking, "This is where you stay!?!?!" Here in Ghana- the Lagoon Lodge is where most locals spend their honeymoon, so we are very fortunate. She was unusually quiet. I think she was a little overwhelmed- so Sarah and I asked plenty of questions to keep her talking. She doesn't have a bed or a pillow... or a blanket. She sleeps on the ground. Her parents are in the ministry and they don't make her or her brother Isaac sell before or after school... but in return they are very very poor.

Next we hit the beach. Benedicta grabbed a ride on my back and we skipped along the dirt path. We got to the ocean front and my little talkative friend went completely silent. She was scared. The waves were crashing and you could feel the salty mist in the air. Sarah and I tried to get her to walk closer... she sat down in mid step. So... we sat with her and slowly inched closer. We buried our feet, played slaps, and talked. Once we were good and sandy, I hopped up went to the water to rinse off and flicked some water from my fingers on Benedicta. She smiled and saw that the water didn't eat me alive. She decided to stand up- holding Sarah and my hand and walk closer. It's as if something clicked! She loved it! She kept getting closer and closer! She felt so confident with Sarah and I by her side that her bravery soared! A huge wave crashed at our feet and the water splashed higher than our heads. I quickly looked down at Benedicta to see if she was okay. She looked shocked... then she said, "Salt?" with a puzzled look on her face. I smiled, my heart touched. "Yes, there is salt in the ocean water."

After a short walk down the beach, picking up a sea shell or two for Benedicta to take back to her mother, we headed back to the lodge to call a taxi. I gave her a back pack that I had bought on the way home from school a few days earlier. She used it to pack her leftovers from lunch and her books from school. She was silent the entire taxi ride home but smiled from ear to ear.

I got to witness a little girl seeing the ocean for the first time. It was beyond words.

The best weekend of my life

2009-02-02T06:50:00.000-08:00

Friday morning we set out at an early 5AM for Mole (pronounced Moe-lay). It was an extremely bumpy ride... so bumpy that I took motion sickness medicine- thankfully right before another girl on the bus threw up. So, you get the picture. Total it was a 14 hour drive there. We stopped about 4 hours out at Kintampo falls which was wonderful. We were able to swim in stage 3 of the falls and it was a blast! Later, I thought I would regret getting soaked and then having to ride on a bus for another 4 hours but thankfully I was grateful. It was over 100 degrees the last 3 hours of the trip- so I dried off really quickly and stayed cool for a while.

We arrived at Mole around 8PM and quickly ate dinner and headed to our rooms. Our team came to the realization that we had been spoiled staying at the lagoon lodge when we walked in. I won't give juicy details because I was one of the few that had no problem sleeping, thanks to the long journey. Our Safari started at 6:45AM the next day. Even though I wore closed toed shoes, they said that my shoes didn't qualify- so I got to pay for and wear rubber rain boots. Later on, I was thanking God for these boots while everyone else was getting cut up by the bushes and eaten up by the bugs.

The Safari started with a bang! We walked down to the watering hole and spotted an antelope drinking water and a croc inspecting his lunch. We walked for three hours. Around 9 we got back to the room having seen Monkeys, Warthog, bush deer, LOTS more antelope, and several more crocodiles. We tracked an elephant for a long time but didn't catch it in time. Knowing that they can run 70 miles an hour- I was okay. Our guide told us that he would come and get us if he found them at the watering hole later.

I wasn't exactly satisfied. Most of the team went and laid by the pool, but Whitney and I on the other hand decided to attempt breaking the rules! So we started trying to feed the monkeys while we kept watch for our elephant. Sure enough, about the time the monkeys were close enough for us to feed, we spotted him! We started running down the mountain toward the watering hole. We were getting yelled at but it didn't matter. Gideon one of our local friends who came with decided to be rebellious with us. We got down to the water and stood there in awe. The elephant was bathing and a pack of crocs were sun bathing on the bank. It was unbelievable. A guide caught up with us not too long afterward and we headed back up to the room... but with no regrets! It was amazing. I can only describe it as seeing the ocean for the first time. You just stand breathless in front of God's creation.

About the time I came off of the high of seeing such a creature- I found out that our bus was leaking gasoline. We quickly loaded up and set off, hoping to make it home. We didn't make many stops and when we did stop it was FAST and for fuel only. Sure enough about 45 minutes out of Winneba we ran out of gas. It was 12:30AM. The 24 hour gas station was closed- What the crap? They had encountered some armed robbery so they decided to shut down until 4AM. So, make yourself comfortable cause we are gonna be here for a while. I looked out my window and saw the little stands that sell fruit during the day closed down and the owners sleeping on benches.

I couldn't stay cooped up on the bus any longer so I got off with Gideon and a few other people from the team and stretched our legs. While standing in the parking lot a little girl named Tracy came over selling Ken ke. It was 1AM and I thought to myself, "Why in the world is a child of this age selling on the streets at this hour?" So, naturally knowing I had nothing but time I started asking questions. Gideon had to translate for me here and there but in the end- this is what I found out. Tracy is 12 years old. She is class 4. She does not sleep. She sells all night making money for the family and goes to school during the day. The fact is that only the class prefect (smartest kid in the class) actually makes it out of school. Most children wind up dropping out and working and living on the streets. My heart broke.

Suddenly I heard people from the bus screaming- we got gas. I knew I didn't have much time. I grabbed 5 cedis from my bag and put it in Tracy's hand. Her face lit up. I went to hug her and she embraced me. I looked her in the eyes and said, "Get some sleep, ok?" She nodded her head, still smiling from ear to ear.

I got back on the bus and tears ran down my face. So many questions flooded my mind. I knew Tracy wouldn't get the opportunity to sleep and I knew that the chances were against her to ever amount to a career more than selling food on the streets. I pictured my girls faces that I teach. How many of them would benefit from anything I am teaching them? I made my mind up in that moment that I would give every ounce of love, encouragement, and investment possible to the girls in my class. The only thing that could possibly help or impact them would be God and his love through me.

So if you think to pray for Africa today or for the team from Lee that is here- Pray that God would be everything these children need through us. I am hungry to give and I have 60 adopted children in my heart starting today.

More Pictures

2009-01-26T08:01:00.001-08:00

Copy and Paste this address into your URL to see a few more pictures.

http://picasaweb.google.com/LindseyCalhoun/GhanaJustTheBeginning#

More Pictures

2009-01-26T08:01:00.000-08:00

Click here to see a few more pics.

http://picasaweb.google.com/LindseyCalhoun/GhanaJustTheBeginning#

After a full week of teaching...

2009-01-26T07:52:00.001-08:00

The weekend was great. I spent a lot of time on the beach. Being on the beach here, you don’t really feel like you are in Africa. But, regardless I needed the rest and relaxation to recuperate from my first full week of teaching. On the beach, the kids come out and climb the palm trees bare footed! They get all the way to the very top, hold on to the trunk of the tree with their arms and push the coconuts off with their feet. It’s really impressive and fun to watch too. They make it look so easy.

The students stationed at Don Bosco Primary school have been walking every day. This morning not even five minutes into the walk we saw a little boy crying really hard. Considering we watch children get caned on a regular basis and not shed a tear, we asked what was wrong. He had tripped on the path and gashed his knee open. Thankfully, Amanda had a miniature first aide kit in her back pack and she fixed him right up. You should have scene the way his face lit up after she cleaned the wound and put a sponge bob band aide on his knee. It was a great start to the day.

Once at school around 7:30AM, we signed in and went to our classrooms. I was feeling a little more confident today, knowing that I had accomplished one week of this and had at least a little idea of what to expect. We watched assembly take place as normal. The kids lined up and prayed together in unison. I got to see a new student today though! She is in Amanda’s class and she is blind. It was precious watching her classmates help her find her way into line and help take care of her. Through out the day I saw her walking across the school’s campus all by herself, no stick or anything. It touched my heart to see her learning and making her way just like all of the other children despite her handicap.

The first period today was Physical education. Friday we spent the last half of the day in the field running, girls all in their uniforms like usual… but today they had to have a change of clothes before they could go to the field and play. I’ve only seen the girls in their uniforms, so seeing them change and each look different was a new experience. As they changed I felt the tears coming. Thankfully I was able to hold back- but my heart was being torn and I could feel it. Most of the kids only have one pair of shoes, honestly it helps me remember their name to look at their shoes because they all favor so much. But as they put on their shorts, skirts, tank tops… it looked like a poor selection from good will and that is pushing it. Only a few of them matched and most of them had holes in their clothes or they were so worn out that they were see through. Regardless, the girls ran to the field jumping for joy. They ran laps, did toe touches, raced each other four at a time, and then played a short game. I was quickly brought back to reality in Africa. Even though these are the privileged children who get to go to school, they still are in great need.

I alternate my lessons between two third grade classes. Today I was supposed to be teaching Creative Arts for class 3A. The teaching of class 3B came over to me and asked me to teach her class. I explained that today I was supposed to teach 3A and that I would teach her class tomorrow. With only 10 minutes left in the period, I walked out of the room. I had already taught and given them their assignment but I just couldn’t get them to behave. Generally, if you walk out they realize that you mean business and will straighten up. As I walked toward the office to calm down for a minute, I saw that the teaching of 3B was punishing her class by making them sit on their knees with their hands above their heads. She had made them sit in that position for almost 2 hours now. Guilt filled my heart. If I would have told my class to go play and would have taught 3B, then they wouldn’t have been treated so poorly.

Sarah and I walked home exhausted. What a long day. It is clear that God has marked out his work for us.

Painting a Picture for you

2009-01-23T07:14:00.000-08:00

Walking down a dust filled road, my chacos are collecting a gray film. There is a stench in the air that is a mixture of sewage and a brick oven cooking food to sell for the day. I've got on a pair of black capri's and a gray tank with a sports bra. Wearing a bandana on my head not only keep the hair out of my face but is great to wipe the sweat away on a regular basis. My pack is heavy as I lug it to school full of objects and supplies to entertain the children, introducing to them for the first time that learning can be fun.

As I walk with my four other teammates stationed at the school I am teaching at, the children call out to us. Everyone is waving, greeting us with big smiles. With every reason to discriminate against us, they do nothing but love us. The streets are filled with hopelessness if you look with your eyes. People live in shacks, some made of concrete and others palm leaves. Yet, if you look deeper with your heart all you see is hope. The people's eyes are filled with joy and love. They are content with life and the little that they have.

Honestly, being here makes me think about everything differently. Christians today in America spend so much time working towards community, justice, showing love, and taking on the character of Jesus. Yet, here surrounded by pollution, filth, and dirt these people live it all. They set the example. The pictures and commercials are accurate. The picture above, I snapped driving by. The children wave and reach for you where ever you are. They make any sacrifice worth wild.

The picture on the left just shows you again that this place is breath taking and heart breaking at the same time. I am going to upload a short video so you can see just how much joy the kids have. I love you all. I hope I have painted a piece of the picture I am living in for you.

The only picture I could get to upload

2009-01-20T07:54:00.000-08:00

This is a picture from the Market in Accra, the capital of Ghana. The men who make the drums called gave us a free lesson. Pretty exciting! I'll be purchasing one of these for sure!

Monday- reflecting on the weekend

2009-01-19T07:48:00.000-08:00

Saturday, we went to Cape Coast Castle and saw one of the last historical slavery monuments still standing. It was really sad, but interesting. Seeing the Male and Female dungeons was heartbreaking, but what really gets you is the "Door of no return." It's about half the size of a full garage door but the slaves had to crawl through a small hole ensuring they were counted. When they pasted through that door, they had lost all hope. Now- on the outside of the building it says, the "Door of Return". The Ghanaian people did this not only in honor of the slaves that risked and lost their lives, but to remind everyone of the promise to never do such horrible things again. Doesn't it remind you of God? When we are told by the world we are hopeless and we cannot return, the Lord gives us his promise of hope and keeps us in his love.

Church was good yesterday. We lead worship and although it was a lot lower in energy than theirs, they loved it. They put a picture up on the screne with a lap top and projector that Dr. Nerren brought them. They had taken it while we were singing and they put it up on the screne with the text- WE LOVE YOU! You couldn't help but cry. They asked us to lead worship every sunday until we leave to go back to America. So... thankfully, being a music major is coming in handy.

I learned that Africa's population just topped 950,000. Of this number there are 400,000 Christians. This is more than any other continent. I believe that it is true, Today Christianity is finding it's heart in Africa.

Today- I taught for the first time. The kids loved my demonstrations and they caught on really quick to fractions! But, the most exciting part was when I introduced buddy (my puppet). I taught them Lean on me and they LOVED it. I put movements with it too. After I put Buddy up they kept asking me, "Where's your baby? I like his big mouth! Get your baby out! " I just told them that he was sleeping and they could play with him tomorrow. Although a lot happened today, I believe my favorite part was when Benedicta (one of my favorite little girls) walked past me singing Jesus loves me.

I started to teach them this song the first day (friday) I was there but didn't get to finish before they had to start their lessons. Benedicta came up to me and asked me to finish teaching her the song during her lunch break. Instead of eating lunch, she spent her money on a new paper notebook. She borrowed the teachers pen and filled in the blanks...

Name - Benedicta
Class- Three A
Subject- Songs

It hit my heart so deep. To hear the girls sing is such a gift. They sing with all of their hearts. I'm going to try and record one of their songs and put it up on facebook as a video. You'll just have to see it! To think that it was not even a question to her, she would rather give up eating lunch to sit with me and learn songs about Jesus. I held back the tears and continued with the day as the bell rang ending their break.

I have fallen in love with the people here.

Day 4

2009-01-17T09:56:00.000-08:00

I am finding so much of myself here and God is so close. He moves and breathes with everything, the land, the people, and the way of life.
So much has happened it's hard to tell you everything. I will do my best. I have been here 4 days now and it feels like 2 weeks. Yesterday, I went to school for the first time. We took a taxi, which around here looks like a small broken down foreign car. Even though the driver said okay when we told him Don Bosco school (which takes about 4 minutes to get to in a car) 25 minutes and nine people later, we stopped for directions. He didn't speak very good English- but thankfully I learned that the locals call my school the roman school because it's catholic. There is really nothing catholic about it except they pray and have worship before school and they are much more strict than the other schools. One of the strict parts that is different from other schools is the girls and boys are separated. The kids are wonderful. They make anything that is uncomfortable worth wild. I am teaching all girls, 3rd grade and my teacher's name is Gladis. Throughout the day, two subjects were taught (Friday is their relaxing day) Creative arts (which I will be teaching) and English. I will also be teaching Math. They are so much smarter than our 3rd graders but very few are the same age. They start first grade as soon as they can afford to go to school. So one little girl is 14. They are obsessed with me. The girls kept telling me they wanted to be my friend. A 6th grader named Mandi told me to remember her and give her my Chaco's when I left. This was the most disgusting I had felt as far as my appearance goes, but they told me how beautiful they thought I was over and over again. They really liked my painted toes. :) My teacher has already told me that I am her best friend and when I get married one day in America to invite her to my wedding and she will come. (A plane ticket is one years salary for her) But, I am thankful that she favors me, because when I told her I needed to use the toilet she sent a student to buy me "Tissue" or what I call toilet paper. Going to the bathroom was an experience in itself, but I was grateful for the relief- so I held my breath and squatted. Later on in the day a lady came around selling plantains on her head. (We were told anything with a peel is safe- so when my teacher offered, I accepted). They came in a bunch of 5. She got one bunch for her and one for me. She bought me toilet paper so I payed. A wapping 40 cents. haha. She was grateful. After eating one I stopped, saving the rest for later and friends. Quickly I realized I was offending her and she thought I didn't like them because I didn't eat them all. So... needless to say, I had five bananas. Everything is organic. Rarely is anything, it all grows on it's own. Pineapples, oranges, papayas, plantains, and more. So if you can get it with a peel and peel it yourself or even wash it off with your bottled water, it is safe and delicious. One more funny story from school- during English composition they were told to describe their best friend. The teacher did an example and used me. This is what the board said...
Describe your best friend.

My best friend's name is Madam Lindsey.
She is 23 years old.
She is from America but stays in Winneba.
She is fair in complexion.
She is tall and fat.
The food she likes best is Chicken and Rice and the game she likes best is Tennis.
I like her best because she is friendly and kind.

Notice, it says I am fat. My teacher said she was considered slim and I was considered fat. She even brought the biggest kid in the class to the front of the room and the skinniest and pointed saying the big one was fat and the skinny one was slim. Then she asked me if I understood. I just shook my head. I got a lot of laughs out of the story later with my team. :)
Later after school, we went to a beach called Mankuadzie. These people don't see tourist because it is difficult to get to their town due to bad roads, so it was an amazing experience. The kids flooded the beach. Some of us had one holding each finger. They look up at you with their big eyes and smile like you are the greatest thing in the world. I wanted to bring them home. We taught them duck, duck, goose. They LOVED it. They always said goose on us though. We are the Brooney's! :) They like us best! When we left they chased our bus as far as they could. We gave them some peanuts out the window and they cheered and yelled until we were far enough that we couldn't hear them. Then we stopped at an old castle that high government people used to stay but now is a cheap place to stay the night. They view was the most amazing I have ever scene.

I start teaching Monday. I am teaching drawing & cultural unity (that won't be hard considering my color) and fractions in math. I am excited. I think I'm going to teach them the song Lean on me after seeing how much they loved Father Abraham. I am excited. More to come.

First Glance

2009-01-17T09:04:00.000-08:00

I'm here in Africa! It's amazing. I love it! The only thing that could be better is if you were with me. Yesterday,

We got off the plane on a set of stairs and I knew I was in Africa. It looks just like the pictures and commercials you see on TV! The airport didn't have concrete runways, they were red dirt. The trees are different too, Palm trees mostly but occasionally large bonsai trees too. The airport was a small building and it is the quickest and easiest immigration and customs I have ever been to. It was a breeze compared to Miami. Once we were through we waited a little while for our Van that Dr. Nerren had ordered to pick us up. It is HOT. I didn't look African but I smelled like it very quickly. Haha. About the time we got the luggage loaded on top of the van we were told that our driver when to eat lunch. So, we got comfortable on the ground and started patiently sweating. When he arrived we found out he didn't have any rope for the top of the van so we had to take the luggage down and put it in the back of the van making the ride extra cozy if you know what I mean. We then started on the 30 mile, 3 ½ hour journey to Winneba. Accra was crazy. The traffic is nuts. People use their horns to signal anything, a turn, cutting you off, or running over the people selling in the streets. There were countless men and women selling anything and everything from booklets on prostate cancer to food. The women carry things that weigh over their own weight on their heads. It's really impressive to tell you the truth. I hope to pick this talent up. J We stopped at the Cultural Center on the way to the lodge, this is just a fancy word for African Market. Everything was hand made and I found a lot of stuff I am going to get later on in the trip. But my favorite part was the drums! We got to watch them making them step by step. Then they all stopped and gathered, performing to welcome us. It was fantastic. Next, they handed each of us a drum and they taught us their most popular rhythms. When we were leaving, I told them I would definitely be back to purchase one or two and Jaguar (yes that is his name, he spelled it for me and everything) said I was the best at playing and he would give me another free lesson when I came back to get my drum. We traveled for a little over 2 hours more to the Lagoon Lodge. Entering Winneba was a drastic change. It is very calm and wide open. Our lodge is in the middle of the woods, as us southerners would call it. It is about 10 minutes from the beach and I can see the horizon line from my room, along with mountains and lots of palm trees. The rooms don't have air conditioning but they are a lot nicer than I expected. The bed is comfortable and between the breeze from the windows and ceiling fan, it is pretty comfortable. After we settled in and had lunch (Egg and cheese & tuna and veggie sandwiches) we headed to the beach. It was absolutely unbelieveable. It's crazy how breath taking and heart breaking Ghana is simultaneously. There are lots of hand crafted fishing boats and sea shells along the water line. We found a pool too! We later learned that in 1946 the British built up walls making an enclosed area on the water so that when the tide comes in they had a salt water pool. I used a public bathroom- aka a hole in the ground LITERALLY. But, I was grateful regardless. Dinner at the Lodge was the best thing I have ever tasted. I was so exhausted and hungry from the long day and climate change. We had chicken that was baked with lots of veggies and fried rice. Water never tasted sooo good. I slept good even though I didn't make it all the way through the night with out waking up several times. Thanks to Tylenol PM I got back to sleep pretty quickly.

Today my team went to the schools to meet our head masters (principals) and teachers. As we pulled up the kids came running out of their classrooms screaming! They were laughing, jumping, and as soon as we stepped off the bus they jumped into our arms. Multiple children were hugging us at a time. It was indescribable. I cried. The people here are so happy and kind. Their joy is like none I have ever experienced. I pray it wears off on me. I am currently sitting in an internet café writing. I payed 70 pesewas (cents) for an hour on the internet. I'm learning a lot of patience to say the least. I go to school for the first time tomorrow. 7:30AM – 1:45PM. I'm excited to see what things will be like in the classroom and nervous at the same time. Already I can see how the heat, cultural differences, and lonliness will wear on me. I am holding firmly to my purpose in God bringing me here. Pray for me and the children.

12.22.08

2008-12-22T15:41:00.000-08:00

Surrounded by unhappy people during the holiday season, I hear my soul screaming as I put up the understanding smile. It just seems like my luck, everyone who comes near me spills their guts about the stresses of life and the season. Perhaps I just imagine this in my mind but it's as if I walk through the grocery store and the lady who can't find the eggnog lets loose on me. "I've got to bake this and that and this and my kids are ungrateful brats who don't understand that I can't afford to get them a new Mac book for Christmas. My boss won't let me off work on Christmas eve and I didn't even get a Christmas bonus! I feel like I've gained 15 pounds in the past two months and the only thing I want to do is sleep and eat cookies! "

I can say, with NO HESITATION, I am ready for the holidays to be over! I've done the "Christian thing" as we would call it. I've watched the advent conspiracy video about how Americans spend $450 BILLION on Christmas each year when the Clean water project could be completed for the entire world for $10 Billion. I am going to Africa to help the children and teach so I didn't ask for anything for Christmas. My parents said they'd help me out when it came time to buy my supplies and I'm thankful. My family isn't doing a big Christmas. They sponsored a little boy who lives in the projects in Atlanta and bought him a new bike and gifts. Anyone looking from the outside in standing at my house would see a happy Christ loving family.

Here's the thing- we're not. I've struggled through my quiet time the last two weeks. I hesitate to even tell my mother stories about my day or who I've run into because then I have to listen to her get all worked up about how awful this is and how if she were in that situation she'd... snicka frickin... (GRUMBLE GRIPE GRUMBLE.) I've been home for one week and my sister and I are quickly realizing that our relationship is going to take some major work after I've been away at school for 5 years. Oh and we can't forget my father who is sober long enough to complain about his day and then steps outside to drink his problems away.

More quickly than slowly my trip to Africa is becoming an escape from life. Surely this can' t be what life is supposed to be! When is the last time someone acted on their dreams and stood firm on their determination to live life differently? There is misery all around me and this is the time that we "Christians" are supposed to be celebrating the life of Jesus, giving to those in need- not those who don't NEED another thing!, LOVING PEOPLE AND LIFE! My boyfriend Ross and I sit around on a regular basis and speak our dreams out loud. "I want to write for a magazine. I want to start a non-profit organization that helps the entire world. I want to travel. I want to be Jesus to the people of the world." Yesterday, while we were on our way to dinner for my birthday and the subject of misery came up. "I'm so scared of being miserable." We both agreed. How do people get to this point? We watch our families run on hamster wheels around the same circles over and over and over again. We don't want to end up like that.

Today my prayer is that I wouldn't view life as the need to escape. I pray that I can continue to view it as a challenge to inspire the people who don't have the same hope and faith that I do. I pray that life would become the act of living out dreams. I pray for faith to ALWAYS believe that the things inside my heart are possible even in a surrounding world of impossibilities.

LOVE to you all on this Christmas Season.

Change is in the air...

2008-12-12T06:25:00.000-08:00

Change is in the air this Friday morning. Kevin Brooks, assistant director of the Church of God Communications department, is quite an entertaining person to work with. Having nicknames for each worker, you can hear him coming as he greets everyone on his way to the break room to eat breakfast. "Hey Mr. Skinny" he says to the middle aged guy who has been working desperately to shed some pounds, "Mornin' Kelton" The newly wed whose last name just changed. As I hear him, I await my 'Hey POF....' That he once named me after winning Parade of Favorites in 2008. He said it stood for Princess of Faith. I enjoy his since of humor. But today he comes strolling around the corner, "Hey Africa."

This simple act hits my heart at its depths. Today is my last day at work at the Church of God International Offices. I move to Atlanta tomorrow temporarily to spend Christmas with my family before I leave for Africa on January 13th. Something in the air is changing. Maybe it's the way you appreciate something once it's gone. Today Cleveland feels gone. I took an extra long look at the softball field in front of O'bannon as I drove to work. Rather than joining the rest of the world rushing to work, I took my time embracing all of the sweet memories of each place I drove past.

Today I wonder- if we could look at life like it's our last day to embrace it, would we do things differently? Now, I'm not saying shoot for the typical carpe diem, seize the day, do everything you didn't have the guts to do before, I'm dying tomorrow, radical- who cares if I have regrets attitude. I'm talking about taking things for granted. Today, I appreciate everything surrounding me a little more than yesterday. Rather than complaining about being stuck in a lonely office, I'm sitting in a large- nicely furnished room that I have to myself, working on a hallway with people I once called strangers that today I call friends.

So ask yourself, Today, if I was leaving this place, these people, these surroundings forever- what would I do, who would I spend time with, how would I express my love?
This holiday season, I pray that you don't take things for granted, but rather appreciate them like it is the last day you'll have them in your life.

Trusting the Lord has great rewards

2008-12-08T10:12:00.000-08:00

So, it's been about three months since I've blogged. Funny how life gets in the way! Yet, with most of my time being spent preparing for my two month trip to Africa, I thought I should get back in the routine- that way I can use this as a tool to communicate while I am away.

Today, God has poured his overwhelming love over my life once again. As I encounter a time of dramatic change and bitter sweet transition, I have been raising money for my Africa trip. My trip total $1500 but this does not include the needed $300 for spending money, $300 for shots, and over $100 for malaria medication. I have received a total of $575 in donations. When I began the journey of raising this money, God placed a confidence in me that I don't have about everything. Somehow I knew he would provide. My faith in this provision allowed me to tear up a $100 check from a family member that I know is in severe financial despair at the time. Since I tore up the check I have not received any more donations. I thought to myself... it would just happen this way. In my heart I have known that I have nothing to fear- but the cold hard cash and numbers put up a good fight with my heart. That is until today...

My mom called me this morning, with an extra pep in her voice, "Did you get a big surprise yesterday Lindsey?" I paused... racked my brain... got a little nervous that I was over-looking something... and said, "I don't think so..." Mom came back quickly- "Well, clearly you don't know yet. You've got a big surprise coming." Now I'm am completely anxious, my mind swimming in a pool of possibilities, "Um... ok. Are you gonna tell me what it is?" She hesitated, mumbled a few things that didn't really make much sense, and then said, "Well I'll just tell you but you have to act surprised when you get the call!" She preceded that a friend of the family called her yesterday and decided to send me a kind donation. I was very excited. Mom went on to explain who the friend was, I know her!

Melinda is a florist at Kroger. I started working there at age 15 and met her then. It's been a long time since I've worked at Kroger and I only see Melinda on random trips to the grocery store while visiting home- but she always greets me with a smile. Melinda and her husband don't have a lot of money so they are very frugal, but they are joyful people that everyone enjoys being around. Mom informed me that Melinda wanted to call me and tell me that she would be donating but would give it to me when I got home for the holidays.

I got off the phone with my mom thankful for another donation, anxious to see if it would be the typical $25, $50 or $100 check. With the suffering economy, large donations are difficult to come by. Yet, regardless of the amount- I am thankful for ever penny- helping little bit by little bit reach my goal for the trip.

Melinda calls, she proceeds to tell me a story about her church. This was not uncommon seeing that we talked about the Lord pretty much every time we saw each other. 12 Stone does a Christmas project each year. Last year the project was called 'The random gifts of Christmas' where they selected random people in need to help for Christmas. This year their project is called 'The intentional gifts of Christmas'. The church divided $300,000 amongst the congregation and told them to take the money, add something too it, and intentionally choose someone to help. Melinda and her husband decided to intentionally help me. Better yet, her son and daughter-in-law go to the same church. Over dinner the previous evening, Melinda and her husband told their children what they were doing with their money. Her daughter-in-law being a teacher was inspired about me teaching in Africa and they chose to give their money + some to me too.

This donation totaled $700.

I am in awe of God's faithful provision and unfailing love once again.
Trusting the Lord has great rewards.

I'm still here...

2008-09-03T20:06:00.000-07:00

So it's been a while.... but lately I've spent more time acting rather than writing. When my mind is captured in a simple thought that is believed to have positive impact in my surroundings, I now act rather than think and analyze. I'm trying this thing they talk about in James- being a doer not just a hearer.

Life has been unbelieveable lately. Things have been far from perfect. I'm so satisfied. At times overwhelmed and others, speechless (which is rare for me.) I'm hopefully going to the buckhead music project tomorrow night in Atlanta. A group of guys decided to go around to different bars in Atlanta and play origional stuff they wrote and mix in some worship music. I'm really excited to be a part and see the impact and reaction is has.

If you are interested- check this out.
http://www.buckheadproduction.org/?p=205

Perspective and Presentation

2008-07-30T10:11:00.000-07:00

Perspective and Presentation.

These two words have consumed the majority of my thoughts lately. Life has been moving at a fast pace lately as events and school get closer by the day. God has poured into me and opened my eyes to new relationship with him the past few months. He has planted vision in my heart. As if I'm not undeserving enough, now I constantly analyze the words of wisdom he wants me to share.

How am I supposed to say that and not offend people?

How do I present this in a way that people will be receptive?

What is my perspective? What is their perspective? Is it different?

In reality I should trust. I shouldn't question, I should be bold. God wants me to turn the lights on. But, I am scared to how people are going to react when the things they have been hiding in the dark is revealed. You see, darkness cannot hide from light. When things that you want to keep hidden are exposed it is uncomfortable. It is painful. It is humbling. I speak from experience. I am just as guilty as anyone. God turned the lights on in my life this summer and I had to come to grips with my garbage when there was no one around to encourage me or lift me up. It was uncomfortable, painful, and humbling. It made me appreciate the grace I have taken for granted for so long.

I guess my prayer kind of goes along with the John Mayer song- "I'm bold as Love"

Being bold in Love enforces change, growth, and healing. That is my desire.

What characteristics, qualities, in your personal experiences and relationships with people have enforced change, growth, and healing in your life? I'd love to read your perspective.....

Love, Live, Lead

2008-07-16T10:52:00.000-07:00

"Leadership, as many people would say, is influence. Influence without LOVE is cold manipulation." Compelled by Love by: Ed Stetzer
(If ya want a good read... http://www.catalystspace.com/content/read/compelled_by_love/ )

As a leader- I read this and I automatically check myself. Do I make all of the decisions in my leadership out of love? Am I ever being manipulative in my thoughts, work ethic, or delegation? The best leaders I know are Godly leaders. They live out 2 Corinthians 5:14 by being compelled by Christ's love, they lead others to God's mercy.

When I stop and think about the word influence I become extremely humbled to think that I have it. Dictionary.com defines Influence as the capacity or power over persons or things. To be a compelling force on or produce effects on the actions, behavior, opinions, of others. You not only effect the individuals but you effect their actions, behavior, opinion, and so on. When I ask myself how I want to use my influence, how I want to effect people and their actions, behavior, and opinions, I immediately think of the word LOVE. This directly links with the quote above that Influence without Love is manipulation. But I not only want to Love others in and through leadership- I want them to be effected in love. I want their actions, behavior, and opinions that have been effected by my leadership to favor and resemble the love of God! The only way to do that is to live a normal Christian life and truly act like a Christian. Don't just talk like a Christian, ACT. Taking action in Love, in Living, and in Relationship will advance your life as an individual, as a christian, and as a leader. Because if we were to be honest GREAT leaders are people who are consistent. People who treat you no differently depending on the setting, company, or circumstances surrounding you. Love as an individual, then as a leader.

Living out this love will help others grasp God's Love. Once you have grasped the Love of God, you will know God. Once you know God, you will be forever changed. You will not have to question. You will find contentment beyond words. You will become a leader of influence, not manipulation. Pure of heart and clear minded. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened. Ask and you shall receive.

Choose to play a part in the discovery of the Love of God: in your own life and in others.

Beyond me.

2008-07-09T06:37:00.001-07:00

Sweet Father,

Once again, I open my eyes after the storm to see the rainbow manifested; beauty created from disaster. You have completed the puzzle without my control. You didn’t need fresh perspective but trust and surrender. Not only did I let go, I found delight in circumstances of the unknown. The unknown needs not to be known if the matter is in your almighty hands. I look next to me in the driver’s seat. I see glowing skin and seeping eyes. The windows to the soul scream love and endlessness and pour greatness and freedom into my heart. He is a gift that causes me to stand speechless in awe of your magnitude. Now as I carry you, the immense wonder, inside of me; I run after you when I am unable to walk. I dance when I am unable to crawl. I sing when I am unable to speak. The journey has been underway for amounts of time that cannot be counted. Yet, I have reached the end of the beginning. I run a new race now. I do not train alone. Someone holds my hand. They train with me; challenging my strength causing an unfolding of discovery. I have yearned for you with wet emotion and you have honored the desire of my heart. I am significant in your glory; however, I consider my life worth nothing to me. If only I may finish the race with joy and complete the task that you have given me- the task of testifying to the gospel of your grace.

I do not run the race alone today. You are beyond me.

Your grateful daughter.

Join me

2008-07-02T10:27:00.000-07:00

As I slowly peek through my eyelids, I see that the clock reads 7:51 and groan with the realization that I hit my snooze button one too many times..... AGAIN. I quickly wash up before applying a little makeup, throwing a dress on, and thanking the Lord for good hair that I don't have time to do more than run a brush through. I run down the stairs, grab my keys, and stumble as I attempt to slip into my heels and jog to the car simultaneously.

I pull into work. 8:13, not too bad! I smile at the security guard as he opens the door for me and I walk quickly to my office.

Another beautiful day. I walk into the break room to find several co-workers and we fix our coffee together and talk for a few minutes. Back in the office I sit at my computer, like I am right now writing this, and answer the e-mails, messages on the machine, and check the fax.

Nothing shy of a normal day- but then in the down time I sit. still. I think. I listen. There is something abnormal about today. Today is yet another day that is driving the movement, the reformation of faith. Of Love. I am breathless for a moment as I grasp the greatness surrounding the movement. My eyes begin to well up, as if I'm about to cry.

Lord, give me the courage to be the change that needs to be in the world.
Give me the passion to be the inspiration that desires to do things things that seem impossible.
Give me the drive to be the action that leads by example.
Give me the influence to be the motivation that causes others to run the race with me.
Give me the wisdom to grasp your LOVE that needs to be poured out on the world.
Lord, take me captive and destroy me so that you may BE YOU in and through me.
Help me LOVE.

I am one of may vessels that longs to help God change the world.
Join me.

A Road Less Traveled...

2008-06-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

Blind to the world in front of me,
completely trusting in God's direction.

A road of surrender, of death;
Death to the flesh and birth to the spirit.

Discovering the ultimate joy and peace,
I'm falling in love with my best friend.

A road of romance, of delight;
Delight in the wonder of the beauty of his creation, his masterpieces.

Completely satisfied, lacking nothing,
I am made complete with your grace.

A road no longer lost in confusion,
but found in clarity and wisdom.

Purpose driven, closely guided, intricately molded.
You have chosen me and I have chosen to completely follow.

A road of life, hand carved by you Jesus,
For me, your thankful daughter.

A Road Less Traveled.

Bonsai

2008-06-22T12:39:00.000-07:00

I have many thoughts running through my mind this afternoon. Some shallow and some deep. A good friend called me a few moments ago and as soon as I picked up the phone she babbled on and on about every detail of her weekend. I smiled. It made me happy because I haven't always been that person, you know the one you call when you need to vent, or just want them to hear what you have to say, and care. I usually am the person who makes the call, does the majority of the talking, and hangs up without wondering if they had anything to say- but didn't get the chance because of my babbling.

I have a unique friend who encouraged me to make a Summer 2008 goals list. One of my goals was to become a better listener. Today I am happy because as I reflect on the past month I find that more than a handful of people have come to me and spilled it all. I'm thankful that people feel comfortable enough in trusting me to say what is really on their mind. I can only hope that this is a product of the love I have for them and our friendship.

I think the concept of God loving us, us loving God, and because of the immense vertical love contained in the relationship, love is spilled out onto others in horizontal relationship- is so indescribably beautiful. I desire to always find my love, wisdom, and confidence in life vertically before I use it horizontally. Ask yourself...

Do I make decisions based on horizontal or vertical inspiration?

Horizontal is the people, circumstances, and things around you. Vertical is the spiritual relationship that denies flesh and glorifies the Lord Almighty. BE HONEST. Lying to yourself only allows you to lie to others and create a false, worthless life that only delays what God really wants for you. What he wants is so much better than what you want.

I named this post Bonsai for multiple reasons. I have this fascination with Bonsai trees lately. Maybe it's because of their beauty or being the slowest growing tree on earth. Maybe it's just because I get bored in my office and I think one would be fun to stare at. Also, as I describe in my profile, I get overzealous pretty easily. I desire to be like the Bonsai sometimes, slow and patient- growing and being molded. To be slow to speak and anger- good stuff! Yet at the same time when I hear the word Bonsai I think of a young boy jumping off a diving board and yelling, "BONSAI!!!!" as he splashes everyone in the pool. I love the idea of diving into life. Making a splash. Leaving an impact.

What do you desire- a title? or a testimony?

Just a few questions to make you think. I know it doesn't flow perfectly, but sometimes it's okay to be slightly scattered. :)

Pure Delight!

2008-06-16T12:57:00.001-07:00

The word says, Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Although this scripture has been familiar to me for a while, I am finding new meaning in it recently.

This past week, multiple opportunities fell into my lap per say. I got accepted to a program that will enable me to teach elementary school in Ghana, West Africa in the spring semester before I graduate. I mean, WOW! Things of this caliber blow my mind. It is moments that things like this fall through that I am reminded, Wow God, you are so far ahead of me and beyond me. But the best part is regardless of how much bigger and better he may seem, he is right by my side- loving me unconditionally all the time.

My piece of advice today- regardless of the millions of questions you don't have answers to, be content in the Lord. Delight yourself in where you are and what you have TODAY. Be thankful. Don't take things for granted. REALLY- look around you. Look behind you- be thankful for where you have come. Look ahead- be thankful where God is taking you. If you aren't where you need to be and you know it- chances are it's your own fault. Don't procrastinate living up to your potential. God wants to give you great things.

Today, I am delighting myself in the Lord. I am so thankful to be in a spacious air-conditioned office, working a job that pays well and isn't stressful. I have a car that runs well, gets phenomenal gas mileage, and doesn't look half bad! In 45 minutes when I get off work, I'm going home to a beautiful Victorian house that I share with four other girls that I love sharing friendship with- and we all get along! I have many exciting doors ahead of me, Africa, Graduation, and another semester in College. God has brought me here- from a broken home, that is being healed, and from millions of memories that possess no regrets. I am blessed beyond words- so the many questions I have about my life and future have been laid aside in trust, because I'm too busy delighting myself in my father, Jesus Christ.

Be encouraged! It is by grace that we have joy.
Delight yourself! God already has a master plan for your life, his will.

Lost in a day dream

2008-06-10T17:53:00.000-07:00

"Nobody said it was easy, its such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard. Oh, take me back to the start." - Coldplay, The Scientist

Imagine-
You sit at your computer, working away at the next 'to-do' on your list. The door bell rings. "Come in... Come in... COME IN!!!" You lean out of your chair, looking at the front door seeing that it is locked. You sigh in frustration as you get up to open the door. As you get closer you don't recognize the silhouette. "Who is it?" you project, slightly taken back. "It's me, please open the door." You suddenly can't breathe- it's him. A million things race through your mind; what is he doing here? Oh Lord, how do I look? Should I open it? You open the door hesitantly and lean against the door post just showing your face and arm. "Hi." He says, his familiar voice comforting your racing heartbeat. "Hi." You reply, thinking- good God he smells good. You begin to ask, "What-" but he cuts you off. "I know you are wondering why I am here." You open the door all the way and step outside on the porch, still leaning against the door, trying not to stand too close. "It's just... I had to see you." You want to say something so bad, but your expression says it all- you are speechless with shock and confusion. He stumbles over his words a little bit as he sees the look in your eyes, "I... I know... well that I told... um, you that... well, but..." But what? You are going completely crazy inside and you are only hoping that... He grabs your face with both hands, steps toward you and looks down into your eyes. He kisses you like you have never been kissed before. A tear rolls down your cheek gently and falls to the wooden floor. His fingers run through your hair as a cool breeze brushes against your embrace. "I love you" he says, "I always have." You start laughing and look down as tears weld up in your eyes. The moment every girl dreams in her fairytale of the prince charming she lost, just happened to you. Under your breath you whisper, "Thank you, Lord." You look up, staring deep into his blue eyes like that of the Caribbean waters, "I love you too. I always will."

The beauty of being a little girl is believing all of her dreams will come true.
Oh, to be a little girl again.

One of those people...

2008-06-06T11:02:00.000-07:00

I used to be one of those people.... just last week. I probably will be one of those people again someday. Those people who are searching to find what only God can give them. I lived in a world where I thought attention from guys could give me what I was searching for- satisfaction. Nope. Not even a little. If I accomplish more- I will feel content. Negative. If I give more- I won't feel empty- Wrong again.

God is the only person who can solve your problems.

Sometimes I want to look people in the face and scream at them- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? You aren't going to find God in that! Searching is a powerful thing- because the result is finding. Sometimes, I just wish people would use their brains and think before they put on their inspector gadget coat and magnifying glass.

Sometimes the question mark you are trying to answer, the searching you are doing to find- is right in front of you. Grasp the truth. Feel his presence surrounding you. Stop running, trying, searching all the wrong things. You will find contentment as soon as you find God and realize you are in his will.

He has everything mapped out. All you have to do is follow directions.

Don't be the dad who makes the kids ride in the car an extra three and half hours because you are too prideful to pull into the gas station and ask directions. STOP SEARCHING insignificant nothings for peace, joy, and love.

Open your eyes- God is here.

Breathless

2008-06-05T09:45:00.000-07:00

The joys of running. Sometimes I do it for fun, relaxation, relief.... others I do it to get in shape, lose weight, tone up. I prefer most of the time to run with a partner. Talking and distraction with another person- helps me run farther and pace myself better. Yet, lately I've been running alone. There are various reasons- my partner bailed on me, I want alone time, whatever.

These past days while running alone- I have discovered myself and God. Thirty minutes with just me and the path- free from everything. I've been listening to just Christian music while I run, maybe you think it's weird- but it motivates me. Punk rock about Jesus, upbeat hillsong stuff, even some slow stuff-- I listen to the words and boom- energy. I love when a song really gets me going- I increase my pace like crazy not even noticing and all of a sudden I can't breathe and my body is screaming. Or, as the music unexpectedly dies down and all I hear are light tones of melody, my breathing, and my footsteps.

Okay, okay, okay... I'm getting somewhere with this. So, lately my focus has been directed to learning how to love God, like really LOVE him... not just follow the rules of Christianity that put a good image and reputation with my name. I mean- fall in love. I'm succeeding. Yesterday, I fell in love a little bit more and I have to share the moment. So if you have any imagination at all- use it now.........

I'm running a very hilly path and I get to the top of the fourth hill. The hills grow steeper and more gradual as they go, so by number four- it's taken two minutes to get up the hill, I'm almost to the top and I have a burning sensation that is almost past the point of sensation pouring over into misery and torment. I reach the top and stop to walk down, before turning around and running back. I'm gasping for air- almost yelling as I breathe out, and limping a little from the weakness in my legs, in attempt to regain my composure for the run back. It's around 8:15PM and The sun is preparing to set. As I look around, sighing-- in relief of the tight pain in my chest, the trees split and the sun is perfectly radiating onto a field of wheat.
The wheat almost sparkles like spun gold and the sky has an array of colors. I can see the Tennessee mountains far off in the distance. I stop, breathless for a moment. I am consumed by emotions caused by the romance of his creation. I say, "I'm in love with you." My heart swells and for a few moments the rest of the world and my surroundings disappear. I am completely captured by his presence. I turn and keep walking... but I can't stop smiling. The whole run back I couldn't help but grin from ear to ear and laugh occasionally at how in love I was falling with My father.

Needless to say- it was better than any date, butterflies, or romantic something. I was thankful my partner bailed and I faced the pain of the hills alone- for I learned a little more about loving like I am loved.

Scum

2008-06-02T10:17:00.000-07:00

Why do people think that they can make God the excuse for everything? I need more time and focus directed on the Lord. He wants me to lean on him solely- so I'm breaking up with my boyfriend. Oh p.s. did I mention I'm not sure that I'm attracted to him, there is no challenge in the relationship because he is more into me than I am him, and this really hot guy wants to take me on a date today? I don't want to mention names, because although this is not my situation- I'm afraid there have been moments in my life that I have been guilty of the same thing.

ME ME ME ME ME.... how repulsive. Isn't it sad to think that we are so concerned with ourselves and the satisfaction of controlling things to work out the way we desire that we manipulate people and situations to get our way. We lie- to ourselves sometimes to make us feel better about what I'm telling someone else. (it's true because... blah blah blah) Justification. The sad part is some people don't feel the least bit guilty because they turn to God's amazing grace. Is it amazing? For sure! But, do we take complete advantage of it? YOU BET! I know this probably isn't the right thing to do, but God gives me the will to choose and he is merciful. I am a sinner- i can't be perfect. GET OVER YOURSELF- we are scum. Everything we do revolves around us!

The sad part- I can't really be mad or accuse. I am scum too. As much as I try to focus everything on the Lord, completely trust him, and just BE- in the back of my mind I am contemplating ways to "accidentally" figure everything out.

Now with that said- let me contradict myself a little bit. I can't stand Christians who do nothing but talk themselves down. They go on and on about how they are scum, a nobody, unworthy. Is this true? Yep... but I believe that sometimes these people lose sight of the fact that we are beautifully and wonderfully made and we are chosen children of the Almighty! ( I feel like a holy, rolling pentecostal preacher right now, but that gets me excited!) One should know that when I say, we are scum- it is because not only do we take for granted God's amazing grace but we deny ourselves the confidence that comes in being a child of the Almighty. My title- in the words of a nobody- was named that because that is what I am, a nobody. A human body that is worthless until the Lord fills it and uses it. I am filled and the Lord is using me. There for, I am expressing the words of a nobody who has become somebody-- only through JESUS. I call this "in the words of a nobody" because I don't want you to read MY words. I want you to read past my lines to the work of the Lord.

Oh yeah- this is pretty off topic, but Rob Bell- an amazing man of the Lord- has these videos called NOOMA. This one is called Rain. It's like 10 minutes long. But it did wonders for me.
I hope you'll take the time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmn0XrgwKdo

Running in the Middle

2008-06-01T15:00:00.000-07:00

The soles of my tennis shoes embrace the hot pavement bringing me to the beginning of my journey. My eyes meet the horizon and I see the endlessness of countryside and an old road. The hills are so large that they block my vision of the path that lies ahead. The sound of my feet hitting the ground and breathing in rhythmic pattern slows me as my heart races with adrenaline. I am alone. I have escaped. If only for moments my world is free of chaos.

My body grows weak and energy fades as the distance increases. The combination of sweat and tears fall to my feet. I breathe harder, quicker. I stop. I want to turn back, but realize- I am too far. I walk for a little while, talking out loud over the music in my headphones. I pick up my feeble arms and legs and continue.

I reach the end. I sigh in relief. My clothes are damp. I lick my salty lips as I complete the last steps to my water bottle where I sit and I am replenished. My thirst is quenched. My body is satisfied. I am too tired to think. I lay on my front porch, staring at the sky. Ahh- I made it... to the place of fulfillment and peace.

I am reminded today as I run that faith is always weakest in the middle. I'm too far- to see the detail of where I have come, and I don't want to look back. Yet, I am too far- to see, to smell, to taste the fulfillment and peace of the end. Dry and tired- this is the place of the testing of your faith. No command or direction- Just BE.

A good friend told me the story of Moses on the mountain. God commanded him to BE. He didn't want him planning for what he would say to Israel or pondering the past. He wanted him to BE. Moses asked God, "Can I see you Lord?" and the Lord said, "No. No man can see me." Although the Lord did show Moses his back or as the Hebrew would say where he had been, my friend explained that the reason no man can see the Lord's face is because despite the majesty- as we, man, were to look upon him- we would still be thinking in some degree of our self.

Join me in the battle to keep our eyes on the Lord and not ourselves. The battle to just BE, not to plan or ponder- but to BE in the presence of the Lord almighty. Embrace and reflect on his beauty. He is like no one.

In my life- be lifted high.
In my world- be lifted high.
In my love- be lifted high.

"In the Mood"

2008-05-29T08:15:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have those days where you are just "in the mood"? I understand this could imply a lot, but hear me out. One of my old friends is an amazing song writer. He made his most remarkable creations when he was "in the mood". Pastors awake in the middle of the night, "in the mood", where they spill their heart onto pages where sermons are created. Although I wouldn't consider myself a 'new-york best seller' writer, today I am in the mood.

Do you suppose that some of the most satisfying creations come when we are "in the mood" because we don't hold back? Like the couple that is "in the mood", they don't hold back but rather they embrace each other with passion not thinking about what is right or wrong. (I look forward to this day with my husband) I think about mornings where I wake up "in the mood" to dance. I don't analyze the moments that could occur, like one of my roommates walking in and making fun of me for weeks. I simply turn my stereo on with my favorite choice of music and dance like an uncontrolled maniac around the room in my underwear. I smile when I remember moments like this- so real, so imaginative. Suddenly I am transform from a penny pinching college student to a famous rock star or rapper using whatever utensils are close by to enhance my performance. You know what I'm talking about- your hairbrush becomes a mic, the dirty t-shirt in your floor wrapped around your head becomes the worn leather bandanna that only the baddest rock stars wear, and head banging is a must.

If you don't know what I'm talking about- I pity you in a sense. Part of me wants to order you to stop reading, turn your ipod up, and let loose-- yet then I remember, you have to be "in the mood." Next time you are "in the mood" I encourage you to allow yourself to be out of control.

Is it possible that some people never get "in the mood"? I think so. Our society trains us to control everything around us, including ourselves. If you meet such and such quota this month you will be promoted and given control of this department of this and that branch of the company. Control, often mistaken for leadership. Who wears the pants in the relationship? Control others. Don't laugh right now, it isn't appropriate. Control your emotions. What will people think? Control your reputation.

I was raised in an atmosphere where I was constantly let down and hurt by the ones I love. I was trained to control my emotions in a sense which lead to controlling my image. Don't cry, suck it up, pull it together, your tears won't change anything. I learned to hold it all in, the hurt, the tears, the flaws- therefore I portrayed an image that said, I've got it all under control. People thought my life was "hunky-dory". When what I really needed was a shoulder to cry on, a place of unconditional love where not being perfect was okay, and a time to be out of control. Jesus provides this for me now, but then I was too immature to understand this.

I watch people day in and day out remained stressed out trying to control everything in their universe. They stress to the point of controlling what people think about them, even their family. I believe a person can get to the point that they are the ones being controlled by the demand to control. This prohibits the chance of any free flowing feeling or emotion- being real. I say all of this knowing that I have experienced times of this stress. I still watch the people closest to me, my mother, live under this stress. This stress is becoming bondage.

Do not be bound by stress and the need to control. Do not be controlled. Live radically and outside the box. Don't control, rather let yourself get "in the mood". "In the mood" to cry, to laugh, to dance, to quit the job that you hate, to escape life for a day, to travel, to live, to find true joy. Life will always bring difficult times, you will always need more money, the chains of bondage are always waiting to bind you. Embrace life, live it to the fullest, with the people you truly love. Work for a living, not a lifestyle. Worship the Lord in spirit and truth- he is REAL freedom. Get "in the mood"!!!

Transparent Heartache

2008-05-26T19:20:00.000-07:00

There is an emptiness that follows me around everywhere I go. A never ceasing pain that haunts me, even in my dreams. I cry out in anger to God, "Why am I here? Still? I have done nothing but seek your will, taking each step with your direction. Yet here I am again, STILL BROKEN."

I can't help but remember a little over seven and a half months ago when the Lord told me to end a relationship. I felt like I was dying. One of my dear friends told me they were jealous of my brokenness. My first thought was- well here ya' go, you can have it! Then they went on to explain that the Lord finds such beauty in brokenness because those are the times when we most desperately seek him.

So, maybe I should start over... Hi my name is Lindsey and I have been given the gift of brokenness. I cry out to the Lord desperately. He comforts me in peace. He romances me with his creation. I discover him today in a new way, a way that I would not choose personally to find him, but a way that I am changed because of. I have never had such a peace in such an uncomfortable place.
The Lord is showing me that he has me here, still- so broken hearted so that I will be transparent and share my pain. By sharing this pain, I glorify the Lord because he gives me faith through the hurt. He commands me to trust him. I pray for direction- "please Lord, shut the door of my heart that I might suffer the pain of loss and mourn or restore me." He does neither. He is allowing me to remain in an unstable place because he wants to use me in this state.

Honestly, I understand now. It is a beautiful thing- despite the number of times I say, "this sucks" in a day. I am thankful for the Lord is doing a work in me. I am called today to suffer for his glory, to literally die to flesh, to live without my desires.

Romans 5:1-5
1"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Whoever may be reading this, I pray it will speak to you in your time of heartache. Allow God to pour this love into your heart. He takes us through hard times to change us so he can use us in greater ways. Be thankful that the perfecter of our faith will change, mold, us to use us. Be willing and endure. It's going to be worth it.

"THE END WILL JUSTIFY THE PAIN IT TOOK TO GET THERE."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0En7JZ0KQc

Lyrics of thought and process- WHY?

2008-05-21T22:29:00.001-07:00

Another sleepless night. Why do I have so many things rushing through my mind? I could turn it off, but I'd rather feel the pain. So I lay here, thinking about countless somethings that will amount to nothing but a complaint of being tired tomorrow.

Why does everything have to be so BIG? We want to change the world, impact peoples lives. My eyes are opened tonight to people directly in front of me silently screaming for help while my heart only sees bigger and better things; missions, poverty, brokenness. I'm convicted.

Why do I live in a bubble? A place where I am sheltered from normality? I hate feeling like the only one who is without their other half. Who cares if I'm 22 and single? I even know the answer but I refuse to write it- because then I will have to read it and I'm already irritated with myself for thinking it.

Why am I unaware of things I need to be aware of? Like the fact that I have spent most of my life focusing on what is right; Discipline, hearing God clearly, making the right decisions. I'm such a "follow the rules" kind of girl. I'm sick of it. I woke up- I smelled the coffee- tomorrow I want to do nothing more than embrace the beauty of God, the profundity yet simplicity of grace.

Why isn't it as easy as everyone says it is? "Just let it go." "Give it to the Lord." Sometimes, I don't want to let it go. I want to hold onto the pain and wade through it finding new pieces of debris to analyze. Here is the truth-

"I'm coming to realize in a slow pain fading in and out like the ocean tide the reality of what we are.
We are- the song on the radio that lyrics cause a smile to form fashionably when your mind is flooded with a fond memory of the past.
We are- A thought of what if, a glimmer of hope that is ended with the push of your fingertip onto the button that rolls the window down and allows the wind to perfectly brush your face and hair.
We are- the foot on the gas pedal that sends electric vibes up your body screaming "DON'T LOOK BACK- JUST KEEP GOING!" Forward, into the horizon, away- FAR AWAY from second chances. Well, third- okay fine, forth chances.
We are- eight thousand miles down the road, the breathless moment of terror that says, "YOU CAN'T RUN." One day your paths will meet again.
We are- The question- will I be ready? Will it be right? Will it fit in God's mysterious plan? Directly followed by the realization that
Answers are overrated.
Clarity can be dull.
And over anaylization just makes today miserable and tomorrow more complicated than it really has to be.
We are- unknown. I'm deciding to accept it and leave the question mark alone."

Why? How? I'm okay with being unsure, confused, and alone. It's my new liberated freedom (read the last blog) :) I'm at peace with not being okay because it's okay to not be okay. God said so- (2 Cor 12:9-10)- so there.

Why do people care more about the image they present and what people think- more than what God already sees and knows? I'm guilty.

Why do I sit here, hesitating to post my thoughts?

I'm new to this whole- write what you are feeling for everyone in the world to read. But I'm going to post it, clearly because you are reading it right now. I'm about to post it because it is exactly what I named my blog website- soul searching therapy. It is therapy for me to write my thoughts out, to journal. I suggest it- even if on paper- you know the old fashion way. I am going to push the [publish post] button even though I know the chances are high that he is going to read it and she is going to reem me out for writing it. Yet, I'm content because my lyrics of thought and process are down. I'm going to sleep.

Do me a favor- Don't comment.

You called my bluff

2008-05-21T11:35:00.000-07:00

I've been raised in a broken home. An irresponsible, back slidden, father and a super woman, extremely independent, mother can have interesting effects on a child's development. I am thankful most days that I followed in my mother's footsteps. Yet, because of this I have discovered many articles that most would consider baggage; such as the struggle to depend on other people, feeling like I was capable of doing it all- on my own, never saying no, living life in a caotic bussle trying to please everyone around me, and of course the false prophesy that I don't need anyone- as long as I have Jesus. Thankfully through time and life's happenings I have learned to recover from most of these mannerisms.

Yet, several years ago, a wise young man bickered with me that I did need people. I found he was right. My theory of living life to it's fullest isn't near as full without people in it. I learned to say no. I learned to relax, kind of. I learned that life is not defined by the moments of accomplishment, but the moments that everything stops and you are able to take in just a degree of the beauty that God has created.

When I think of memories that have helped me become who I am- I think of people, of relationships that have poured into me. I think of times of weakness, where God's glory was shown all the greater because of what he has accomplished through me when I was not capable. I think of places filled with fun moments and laughter. I realize that life is what we make of it.

This same young man, two weeks ago, called my bluff again. We hadn't exchanged words or shared time for a long while, so the dreaded question arose... what's new with your life? Remembering, life is what we make of it, I spoke of dreams of moving to Australia and interning with Hillsong and graduating and beginning a career. He looked into my eyes and saw my fearful searching soul and proceeded to say the words I didn't want to hear. "You live your life in a box, afraid of true freedom. You think because you can roll the windows down and listen to loud music that you are free. You aren't. Stop planning everything and live."

So this is my new beginning. ( I love new beginnings- so cliche, but they sound so inspirational. ) I am weak. No weaker than I have been but admitting- I'm not always the strong courageous woman that I put on the appearance of today. I am lonely. I smile because I have true joy- in grace, not because everything in my world is perfect. I have no idea where I am going. I want to graduate soon but for once I don't have everything mapped out. I am living in a world of unknown- of complete trust- of new found freedom.

I am liberated.